Phillip Schofield's 'tedious' attempt to win approval on desert island

THE LESSER-spotted celebrity Phillip Schofield has been seen in the Pacific on a desert island. Before you get too excited, the former This Morning presenter was not transported to the island as a form of punishment. I imagine a handsome fee was arranged, not shackles.

He was on Cast Away (Channel 5,Monday – Wednesday), a 10-day, self-imposed exile to win back public approval.

Before he got there it was obvious from his buoyant family that they don’t think he did anything wrong. It was such “happy families” that Phil seemed mostly gutted that he would lose his Wordle streak with his wife. What japes.

It was just an affair after all. Then, in his own words, “I lied to my employers ITV, to my colleagues and friends, to my agents, to the media and therefore the public and – most importantly of all – to my family”. Surely there’s no one left. Pets? Wildebeest? And think of his poor former co-host Holly... That certainly spelt an end to her queue-jumping days with Phil.

But in television there’s always a way back – so here he was, our Phil, all humble and contrite. Only reputations were injured.

Schofield was using TV as the modern confessional. He had other supporters too– well-known ones. The closest thing to TV royalty was former Cast Away Dame Joanna Lumley, who wished Phil all the best.

And as his speed boat approached the desert island he talked lovingly about his “best mates” Ant and Dec.

Let’s hope Phil’s booked in for I’m A Celeb, too – the banter would be priceless.

In the end the show was rather tedious. Some wind blew something over, he stumbled, he got up, he found some water and the nation probably turned off and/or fell asleep. It needed a format – like making it the new This Is Your Life with someone appearing abruptly from beside a coconut tree, with all your past misdemeanours stuffed in a wicker basket.

Another divisive figure – Meghan Markle – was also on the box.

Some bright spark decided to test the choppy waters with a rather anatomical title, Inside The Mind Of Meghan Markle (Channel 5, Sunday). It’s standing room only in there.

This documentary was really only based on half an idea, but at least it had a different rota of talking heads proffering their views on royalty – this time on Meghan’s state of mind.

It was shrink rap, as researchers, psychologists and psychiatrists pored over the recent history of Harry and Meghan, accompanied by plenty of royal clips, before giving their own fulsome opinion. Thank goodness we got the edited version.

The show, hardly a doctoral thesis, partly dealt with the question of whether she was a narcissist. Whoa!

Some even said this was a good thing, so much so that I’m going to project my ego more than ever in future. As a nice narcissist Meghan was also deemed to be a “gladiator” – but please ditch all thoughts of Russell Crowe. Having gladiator

syndrome, according to the show, means you “push for what you want and become very ambitious”. And there we all were, thinking Meghan some underachiever.

Then the killer line from the experts. “The downside [for gladiators] is that other people can feel bruised by them, bullied by them”, said the expert. Other boffins are available.

Hey, come to think of it, Suits wasn’t a bad show after all. Meghan’s character Rachel Zane might be looking for a new challenge across the pond – Rachel of the Bailey!

Joan (ITV, Sunday & Monday) gave us the true story of a so-called criminal godmother. For those of us who are old

enough to remember the Eighties, I don’t recall them looking so drab, even brown.

Was the idea to contrast this often dimly lit set with Joan’s stylish outfits and make-up? If so, it was style over substance

as we watched the exploits of a woman who couldn’t give up the criminal lifestyle.

She seemed to cast a spell over men, in particular, desperately unattractive specimens above the age of 50 years old,

such as Bernard in his jewellery shop.

Stocktaking had never been so titillating. A drama devoid of drama.

Finally, Paddy McGuinness and Chris Harris were very amusing in Paddy & Chris: Road Tripping (BBC1, Sunday).

It’s a hybrid format: part bloke TV, part Top Gear, part health show.

Occasionally Paddy has a great turn of phrase. After a near-naked sauna and some cold-water swimming, he said, “You

feel amazing, a bit like when you were a kid and you had your Ready Brek.”

For the same result Paddy, try a Full English.