If you want to excel at pickleball, cake-decorating, or playing the piano, you’ll probably sign up for a class or enlist an instructor. But what about talking? Communication is one of the cornerstones of successful personal and professional life—yet many of us never receive any formal training on how to do it well.
“We copy what our parents do, and then what our teachers and friends do,” says Raele Altano, a communication coach who also dispenses tips to her social-media following. “We assume that’s the standard—it definitely comes from our upbringing.”
[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]That can lead to a lot of blunders, from hijacking the conversation to shutting down when things don’t go our way. Investing time in learning to better communicate, meanwhile, can improve the way we represent and advocate for ourselves, Altano says, while also boosting confidence. “It impacts all areas of life, whether it’s dating, asking for a raise, presenting in a public-speaking environment,” or even making and keeping friends, she adds.
With that in mind, we asked experts to share what they consider the most toxic communication habits—plus, what to do when you encounter them (or even recognize them in yourself).
Making it all about you
We’re all psychologically wired to find common ground with other people, Altano says. That’s why, when a friend describes their recent Bahamas trip, you might use it as a springboard to recount your own favorite trip to the island. You want to relate to them—but matching each of their anecdotes with one of your own isn’t the best way to do it. “Constantly bringing up your experience when someone is talking, and saying, ‘Oh, yeah, that happened to me, too’ is deflating to the other person,” Altano says. “It sounds very self-centered after a while.”
If you recognize that you often bring the conversation back to the subject you know best—yourself—make it a point to work on your active listening skills, like paraphrasing what the other person said and asking questions. Remember that people want to feel heard, and don’t necessarily need you to add anything to their story.
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If conversation-hijacking becomes a pattern for one of your friends, meanwhile, muster up the courage to address it. Altano likes this non-confrontational approach: “I noticed that when I bring up something about what’s going on with me, the conversation tends to pivot. Is that something you’ve noticed, too?” You could also try to redirect every time it happens, she adds—“As I was saying…”—or preface a story with a request for their advice, which can help ensure the focus remains on what you have to say. “If they feel included, there’s less of an urge to be like, ‘Oh, well, this happened to me too,’” she says.
Shutting down
Do you tend to withdraw when someone says something you don’t like—or maybe sulk off, refusing to engage? Stonewalling, as it’s called, is a protective technique some people default to when overwhelmed by big emotions, says Roma Williams, a therapist and author of Unload It: An Effective Guide for Leveling Up Your Communication. But it can leave the other person feeling frustrated, isolated, and rejected.
If you shut down when you’re upset, you might benefit from journaling or other emotion-regulation techniques, Williams says. She coaches clients to practice saying, “I’m upset—I just need a moment right now,” rather than walking away without a word. If you let the other person know you’d like to continue the conversation later, once you’ve had a chance to collect yourself, they’ll be less likely to start spiraling.
If your friend or partner is stonewalling you, on the other hand, you might say: “It seems like this is tough for you to talk about right now. Would a break from the conversation help?” That can give them the time and permission they need to get their emotions under control before talking, Williams says.
Frequent interrupting
The first step to breaking a habit of interrupting is to acknowledge it—and then dive into the root cause. “Why am I doing it? Is it because I don’t feel like I’m being heard? Because I have an ego?” says Anne Willkomm, an associate teaching professor in the department of communication at Drexel University. You might realize, for example, that you interrupt during Zoom meetings because you’re eager to contribute and worried you’ll miss your opportunity.
To overcome the habit, work on accepting that not all of your ideas will be heard in that specific moment—but you’ll have ample chances to share them later. You could follow up with an email, Willkomm suggests, or schedule another meeting. If you still catch yourself trying to interrupt, get in the habit of apologizing: “I’m sorry, Sandra, I interrupted you. Please finish what you were saying.”
If you’re the one who finds yourself being interrupted, Willkomm suggests calmly interjecting: “Excuse me, Jim. I’m interested in what you have to say, but I would like to finish my thought.” Expressing that you care about their perspective and plan to listen—once you’ve had your turn—will help them feel less defensive or like they just got their hand slapped, she adds.
Rambling on, and on, and on
We’ve all met someone who turns what would have been a two-sided conversation into a monologue. “It’s the top complaint I hear when I work with clients,” says Alex Lyon, a professor in the department of communication at SUNY Brockport who makes popular online videos coaching people to become better communicators. “It takes some people two minutes to say something that could have been said in 20 seconds.” Why? Probably because of the mistaken assumption that the ability to talk a lot means they’re an effective communicator, he believes. “You hear people say, ‘I have the gift of the gab,’ but it doesn’t always seem like a gift to listeners.”
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If you’ve reached the limit of how much you can take, cut in—this is one time when interrupting is OK. In workplace scenarios, you might ask the rambler what they need from you, or what the bottom line is, Lyon suggests. In social situations, redirect the conversation to some other topic (or come up with a polite excuse to exit).
If you recognize that you’re the one who can be long-winded, ask your friends for feedback. Tell them you’re working on your communication skills, Lyon advises, and that you’d appreciate knowing where you could improve. Let them know it’s OK to cut you off when you start to go on and on, and that you’re making a genuine effort to break the habit. “That takes bravery,” Lyon acknowledges, but the payoff can be significant.
Distracted “listening”
Generally speaking, humans are not good listeners, Willkomm says. We read emails during Zoom meetings; “subtly” check our phones at dinner; start mapping out the next day’s itinerary while a friend is talking. That distraction is a problem. “The inability to actively listen is so important, because it can really diminish someone’s sense of value,” she says.
If you notice a colleague clearly isn’t paying attention in a work setting, Willkomm suggests approaching them privately: “There’s so much on your plate—I don’t know if you realize, but it comes across to others that you’re disengaged.” Or you could employ some humor, which works in both professional and social settings: “What’s burning up your phone? Want to share?”
If you know your listening skills could use a tune-up, meanwhile, set yourself up for success by putting your phone in your pocket or turning it upside down, and physically removing any other distractions, Willkomm advises. Give the other person your complete attention by looking them in the eye, use body language like nodding to show you’re following, and resist the temptation to start planning what you’re going to say before it’s your turn to talk.
One-upping the other person
Conversation isn’t a competition—yet some people act like it is. You know the type: If you share that you got a new car, they’ll tell you about their shinier, fancier version. You just adopted a puppy? Their doodle graduated first in its class from obedience school; next stop, Westminster.
The best way to handle a one-upper, Lyon says, is with a simple, “Good for you. I’m happy for you.” “It kind of means swallowing your pride, because it might feel like you’re letting them win,” he says. “But conversations aren’t something you’re supposed to win.” Maybe you’re still tempted to fire back a not-so-humble brag that will top whatever they just said. Checking your ego in real time—“Why am I trying to one-up them? Is it because I have some insecurity or feel competitive?”—can help remind you to simply not engage.
Opinion-jacking
Willkomm has noticed an interesting—and frustrating—phenomenon: When a woman gives her opinion about something in a work meeting, a male colleague will restate it as though it was his own. She hopes more people feel comfortable shutting down this kind of behavior, which is often called “hepeating.” “I think it’s really incumbent upon fellow women and men to respectfully call people out on that,” she says. For example: “Bill, thank you for summing up what Janet said.” That does the trick nicely, she adds, because you’re not demeaning Bill—but you’re still giving credit to the person whose idea it was.
Read More: 6 Compliments That Land Every Time
You could also consider pulling them aside privately afterwards to say, “I’ve noticed this a couple times—you’re probably not aware of it,” Willkomm suggests. “I think we always have to give that benefit of the doubt. You’ll know soon enough if they are aware, and they continue to do it.” And if you’re the culprit? It might help to reflect on the origins of the habit and work on overcoming it with a therapist or communication coach.
Offering unsolicited advice
Sometimes, you just want to let it all out—which means you’re looking for an open ear, not a torrent of unwanted (and potentially irrelevant) help. Unsolicited advice “rubs people the wrong way, because it’s a bit presumptuous,” Altano says. If you’re on the receiving end, she suggests stopping the person you’re talking to: “I really appreciate you giving your input, but I’m just looking to vent right now.” “It might seem so obvious, and like a no-brainer, but the other person doesn’t necessarily know that,” she says.
If you find yourself inclined to dish out some words of wisdom to a friend, on the other hand, ask first: “Are you open to hearing a few suggestions, or would you rather not right now?” That phrasing empowers people to say no, Altano points out—in which case it’s important to respect their boundary and save the advice for another time.
