Last year over an impromptu mother-daughter lunch, one of us (Kate Washington) listened with delight as daughter Nora, then 17 and a high-school senior, enthused about her future and the hands-on, creative career she wanted. Then Nora paused between bites of gyro and asked: “The problem is, how do I balance that with being a mom? Let’s be real—moms do more. I don’t know if it can work, and my friends don’t either.”
[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]Later, we—two authors who have written extensively on caregiving and equality in partnerships—talked about the conversation. We agreed that it felt painful to see the gender inequity in mental load arising so early, and even worse after Nora answered a follow-up question about her how many of her male peers seemed concerned about balancing career and care responsibilities with a snort of contempt and a simple “Zero.”
The inequitable split of cognitive labor in different-sex relationships suggests that Nora is probably right. But if even very young women worry about combining care responsibilities with work, the question, then, becomes: why don’t young men?
The obvious answer is “because they don’t have to.” But if we want equity in heterosexual partnerships, we need to be teaching young men to consider the balance of care and work.
Are families talking about care? Yes, but mostly with girls.
We decided to investigate whether and how parents are discussing this issue with their sons. To do this, we designed a survey to collect stories from parents of male-identifying children aged 16-21.
We chose to focus only on sons because existing research and personal experience both tell us girls receive this message everywhere. For example, women adjust their careers for family life and, thanks to a gender gap in career advice, young women receive much more mentorship regarding work-life balance than young men do. We also know caregiving is a female-coded activity: women do more unpaid care labor in the U.S. and globally; care work is underpaid and undervalued; and there’s still a significant gender pay gap.
We circulated our survey through our social media networks. We received 120 responses, overwhelmingly (86%) from women—a percentage that suggests how much invisible labor falls to women, even when it comes to shifting gender roles.
Our small snapshot of 120 families offered a fascinating glimpse into how even the relatively narrow issue of talking to boys about future care and work mirrored and revealed the gender norms present in adult life: We value men’s time over women’s time, and we assume women will carry the domestic load, whereas domestic responsibility is optional for men.
Care conversations mirror adult excuses
We asked two yes/no questions: whether the respondent had ever initiated a conversation with their son about balancing future work with family commitments, and whether their son had initiated such a conversation with anyone. The majority (58.3%) said they had not raised this conversation, and a bigger majority (70.8%) said their son had not. It’s also safe to assume these results were skewed towards our identity categories and ideological leanings (we are both white, cisgender women); a larger sample would likely produce a wider gap.
But the most revealing responses were to the survey’s open questions, which offered space to describe and contextualize these discussions, or to comment on why such conversations had not occurred.
Out of all the respondents who gave reasons why they had not had these conversations with their sons, three wrote comments that suggested they saw the survey as a wake-up call. One wrote, “I definitely SHOULD talk to my son about this and plan to! Thanks for pointing it out!” The majority of the other responses, however, took a more defensive tone, falling into four main categories—some of which (ironically) echoed male excuses for lack of equity in adult partnerships.
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Many respondents (14) said that they haven’t discussed future family roles because that future is too far away. “My sons…are both very focused on the here and now,” said one; others noted their sons don’t or shouldn’t think about this now, given the pressures of sports, clubs, studies, and friends. As parents ourselves, we know it’s tough to get some kids to think about next week’s math test, let alone faraway career and family choices. Ultimately, however, we read these responses as symptomatic of male privilege: boys don’t have to think about work-care balance, because society doesn’t expect them to be responsible for a home. After all, girls like Nora balance the same pressures, yet still mull over issues around work/life balance.
Several (nine) respondents claimed explicit discussions weren’t necessary, because their families modeled this value. “I know my son has seen his father and I make adjustments in our work lives to take care of him and our elderly parents,” said one mom; a dad described that he did the household laundry, and another is responsible for school pick up. As one of us (Kate Mangino) found in researching her book Equal Partners, however, we can’t assume that role-modeling will naturally make children follow our lead. And since cognitive labor is invisible, we also need to be clear about when parents are truly splitting the mental load, versus one parent helping out.
Another frequent excuse was what academics call “gender unaware” behavior: treating all children equally and assuming an equal outcome. Several parents (six) admitted that they’d never had this conversation with their son, but said they’d also never had it with their daughter or non-binary child. Since we know girls get strong cultural messages about care responsibilities, however, future equity might require talking to boys about caregiving far more than we talk to girls.
Finally, some (five) pointed to the fact that their son did not want kids, so this conversation was not needed. Interestingly, the survey referred broadly to care responsibilities (which could include elder care or caring for an ill partner), not to parenting exclusively. People provide care to others in their life besides children, and it’s important that we normalize doing so.
How to have better care conversations
The 23 parents who described their care conversations with their sons gave us valuable and practical insights into how any of us—including teachers, coaches, family members and friends—can broach this topic with boys in our lives.
As with any conversation with teens, choosing the right moment is key. One parent said she spoke to her son about care when they were on a run together and both were relaxed and open to conversation. Plus, they were already chatting about memories of his grandparents, so the topic arose naturally.
Linking a care discussion to any topic he’s interested in is another good stratagem. One respondent has used viral memes and TikTok videos to spark caregiving conversations. And capitalize on any curiosity boys show: when one respondent’s 16-year-old was job seeking, she said his questions about adult work-life balance “led to a more in-depth conversation about how responsibilities change as we age.”
Don’t let boys off the hook of this conversation; even if your son wants a time-intense job and thinks paying for care is enough, remind him that caregiving is everyone’s responsibility. Explain that we all receive care at some point in our lives, and we should all plan to give care as well.
Read More: Don’t Tell a Caregiver to Stay Positive. Here’s How to Help Instead
If you’re already modeling household gender equity, discuss it as a conscious parenting decision. One respondent said she and her spouse talk about how they “flex to support each other.”
Finally, know that this will not be a one-and-done conversation. One respondent wrote, “Similar to my approach with sex, sexual health, porn, drugs, alcohol, it’s sort of an ongoing conversation that happens naturally.”
Changing gender norms takes intention and effort, and must emphasize the importance of care work with boys to counter the over-emphasis on women as nurturers. Although we know it will take more than a few conversations to shift the bigger culture of care, dialogue with boys is one way we reach a world where the question, “So how many boys you know are thinking about care?” warrants not a snort, but the answer society needs: “Everyone I know thinks about how we care for each other.”
